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SueBC, Vancouver
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posted in family maintenance
03 December 2003 9:16 PM
Tyger - yes they should be trying to find the biological fathers first. Is there a lawyer referral service there? Here in BC you can call and they will refer you to a lawyer in your area and you pay $10.00 for 1/2 hour (most waive the fee in hopes of getting your business) but 1/2 hour can give you some info. Be ready with a list and use your time wisely. I would start documenting the time spent together with your husband and his ex if it was really only less than a year. Weren't the children's fathers ever involved? Know their names? Type of work they do etc. Start a file, put everything in writing. My two daughter have two different fathers, but my eldest's father doesn't participate or parent and does not pay, my youngest child's father helped raise my eldest and parent her from 3 until 12 then left. The family court counsellor told me that even though he had provided for her for all that time and acted as a father, because she has her own father and a court order for child support, that the other one didn't have to continue to contribute to her upbringing anymore. So, I don't know what the deal is, it seems to change, fluctuate and depend on where you are. As usual unfortunately it's the children that pay.
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Canadian Forum
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posted in family maintenance
17 November 2003 7:50 PM
Hellooooooo out there.....maybe I scared everyone away.....ooops. Sorry! Yes it was me who reluctanly gave up my home. Large mortgage 1/4 acre lot, two kids, no help and all the bills and maintenance, and property taxes that went with it. $1365.00/month mortgage, $1500.00 taxes, I didn't want to and miss it dearly so do the kids. I enjoyed the yard work, cleaning gutters, mowing the grass, cleaning the pool, painting the house, the garden, the neighbors, my privacy, but I was facing having fallen behind on bills etc after stress leave from work, then breaking my elbow in the garage on the concrete floor, tripping and falling while hauling in free firewood to heat the house. I ended up being off work for 6 months and to dig myself back out, after receiving layoff notice my first day back at work, it became too overwhelming. I would have had to go get my second job back washing dishes, slinging hot dogs, and serving rich people who played golf, at night, after commuting to work and working a full day....My youngest's Dad with whom I bought the house did not pay a penny after he moved out, he still got money after I finally sold but oh well....I also had no other support as far as family goes. Just me and the girls so it became very difficult and like I said it almost killed me. Truth, no I hate this dumpy 3 bedroom townhouse that I pay $920.00 per month for with hydro and gas being more than in my whole house for one month. No yard, no privacy, someone else's rules and disrespect, hate it. And I am back to renting one more time. I had paid of $30k in the 4.5 years I held onto it by myself and walked away with enough to move and pay a few bills.....it was sad, but I am trying to put it behind me (us) and hope that things will change and hopefully one day I'll own a home again. It's not a status thing for me, it's coming from where I've been it was a true triumph for me to accomplish even buying the house. To leave felt like I was a failure. My eldest is graduating this June and then I can move my youngest and I to somewhere nicer because we are here to keep her close to school and work. Not that I want her to go, but she is determined to go to university and because we live farther out, she cannot commute and will have to live on campus no matter what the cost (approx,. $10k per year) ouch...Anyway to answer your question yes me. If you can hang onto it, and have help or a friend and family I would. Can you rent a part of it out? Build an ice rink you sound like me! Stubborn and determined.......and I can do it myself! Not that that's bad. To my old neighbors dismay I was up on the roof cleaning the chimney with a broken elbow and using one arm! You do what has to be done, no sense whining about it....Then again if you can sell and buy something smaller and more comfortable, maybe that's an option, and take a little vacation while you're at it. I always say trust your gut, it's usually right. Even though I have stupidly ignored it sometimes myself. Good luck, keep posting. Or should we start our own forum? Have a good rest of the week, I am trying to get over whooping cough that I some how managed to pick up. We're apparently supposed to get snow here this weekend...we'll see
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Canadian Forum
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posted in family maintenance
13 November 2003 11:49 PM
One more time - where'd everyone go? Isn't the blizzard over yet?
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Canadian Forum
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posted in family maintenance
04 November 2003 7:15 PM
Too funny - good sense of humour. I forgot you guys are all in Calgary. I'm running out to do laundry in shorts and sandals! Na na na na na. Ok well good luck over there all around - the rush is always on everywhere, we may have to start a new "forum" on weather and digs at each other's place of residence. Believe me, the first rain that hit BC lower mainland, tractor trailers overturned, accidents everywhere, it was a nightmare. BC'ers tend to forget that all that sunny weather leaves all that oil on the roads and then mix that with rain and you have chaos. Wait till we get our little bit of snow - it's even worse the commute home can take 6 hours watching these idiots that drive 4WD's think they can go anywhere at 100km's and everyone else floors it and gets stuck. Most people won't spend the money on snow tires because we only get it maybe twice a year. Oh well, stay warm.
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Canadian Forum
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posted in family maintenance
03 November 2003 7:50 PM
Where'd everyone go?
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Canadian Forum
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posted in Divorce sucks!!
03 November 2003 7:49 PM
Good call
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Canadian Forum
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posted in family maintenance
30 October 2003 8:28 PM
Frustrated - you still out there? How goes the battle? Made any progress?
Has anyone had any success or positive steps forward?
My constant perserverance and yes, bitching, with FMEP has resulted in some recent action. Yipee for small victories. The good guys don't always finish last!!
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Canadian Forum
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posted in this is my newest little poem...
22 October 2003 5:15 PM
Somedays
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Poetry Canada
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posted in this is my newest little poem...
20 October 2003 9:46 PM
No one looks here anyway!
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Poetry Canada
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posted in family maintenance
20 October 2003 9:40 PM
I'm not here to play God, or pass judgement on anyone. I am surprised at myself for posting at all. I know that there are two sides to every story, and then there's the children's version what they see through their eyes. I've made mistakes, I try to learn from them as we all do. No one chooses mistakes (I do not mean that my children are mistakes at all just that I am not perfect), they just seem to happen. I feel bad for anyone who is denied "access" to their children, and as a matter of fact the word "access" is about as dirty as "stepmom or "stepdad". Unless there are legitimate reasons, for one parent or the other not seeing their children it should not be up to the courts to determine what is "normal" what is "acceptable". Each situation is very different, and that is where the problem lies. Each family situation should be addressed invidually not by some standard measuring stick made by lawyers and judges. That is what I would like to see changed. I feel bad for anyone suffering on either side, and wish all of you the best.
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Canadian Forum
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posted in family maintenance
18 October 2003 8:02 PM
Dear Frustrated:
You appear to be one of the ones I am talking about who gets hosed.
1) Your legal fees - you can right them off as a tax deduction (any legal fees paid to enforce, vary, etc. a court order are tax deductable) Do you have a lawyer?
2) Anyone has the right to VARY a court order. You can also get free help (at least in BC you can) from a Family Court Counsellor who works for the attorney general's office. Have you filed an order to vary your support payments? You'll have to provide a financial statement.
3) Are you documenting everything? Arrangements made, then broken, times, dates, conversations? This is the best thing you can do. Get a blank note book, and get in the habit of writing down everything. Believe me it will go a long way in court and in your case, to make your side more believable.
4) Have you filed an order to Vary your order requesting joint custody? Or just talked to her about it. The thing about joint custody is that some (not all parents apply for that because they are trying to get out of child support), you have to document and plan out an arrangement, schedule, living arrangements etc. Joint custody is supposed to be what's best for the children to have both parents equally in their lives. To keep the children stable, in the same school, same neighborhood, same friends, same activites while jointly sharing the costs of raising them, and parenting. You have to be willing to live in the same area and adjust your work schedule and other things to maintain the children's schedule (if one exists with your ex which it doesn't sound like too much structure). Sunday to Sunday can work well as it's the beginning of a week and the end of the week for school, etc. A predetermined pick up and drop off time is necessary and one that is early enough to allow for the switch, dinner, baths, homework and school the next day. Sunday to Sunday also gives both parents two weekends with their children per month and two weekends free for other things and allows for planning trips, etc. You also have to be able to provide appropriate accomodations for them which could mean an increase in expenses for rent. (In my case, my youngest daughter who I have joint custody with, her father has not provided her with her own bedroom for almost five years, and keeps renting places without proper shower and cooking facilities resulting in her eating fast food for a week, and only being able to shower when the people upstairs aren't home. What is that?) I have to pay for a three bedroom for two kids, bathrooms, heat and hot water, why does he feel that doesn't apply to him?
It sounds like the ex is poisoning the children about you and that is wrong. How old are the kids? At a certain age (I think 10?) they are able and allowed to speak for themselves about what they want, however sometimes they are afraid to because they have been warned, threatened or don't want to upset anyone leastly the one they live with. I don't mean to be a know-it-all. But I've learned many lessons the hard way over the last 17 years, two ex-husbands, and two children. I am still bitter a little, but I keep plugging along, and planning the paydays in the year a year in advance...and count on those three pay day months that happen twice a year. I am lucky that I have a good job with excellent benefits and flexibility, and a decent wage, but it is still difficult on one income. You have to be smarter and outthink them, and document everything. Good luck....Draft something up, make a plan and at your next court appearance (or surprise the other side and request a court appearance instead of waiting for one), present it all. I've stood in court on my own without a lawyer and spoken directly to the judge. You can do it if you want it bad enough.
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Canadian Forum
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posted in this is my newest little poem...
18 October 2003 7:18 AM
Tears on the outside fall to the ground and are slowly swept away, Tears on the inside, fall on the soul and stay and stay and stay.
Do not go where the path leads, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail........
Go the extra mile, it's never crowded!
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Poetry Canada
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posted in family maintenance
18 October 2003 7:00 AM
Unreal! I hesitate to post a reply on here, but feel compelled. In BC the laws are different than Alberta. They are different in each Province. I have been on all sides of the fence, and the bottom line is always the same. The children pay. Those parents (male or female) who have no interest in their children, their lives, their growing up, their school, maturity, sports, etc, and DO NOT PAY not only lose out on the life of their child, but contribute to their potential lack of self esteem (Why wouldn't my Dad/Mom want to be a part of my life, why would my Dad/Mom not show up when they promised to, or worse, looking into the bleachers at a game, and hoping to see your other parent there and it's always an empty seat for 17 years). This also makes the parent doing all the parenting more stressed, concerned and worried about their child (what have I done, I wish things were different, aching in your heart to make their pain go away), not to mention when you have to say no to extra's or sorry I just can't do it right now, who takes the blunt of that? Not going to get into whining here, it's been 17 years and nothing has changed. I've accepted it - but still wish things could be different. It's not fair - but hey life isn't either. There are also other things not factored into raising children on one income or two. Medical, Dental, perscriptions, school fees, hot dog days, clothes, grad fees, field trips, time off work when they are sick, daycare, driver's license fees, bus fare, art supplies, sports fees, gas driving them to and from, the list goes on and on. In BC I have been registered with FMEP since 1994, my daughter's father is always working, doesn't pay $250.00 that has never been raised, for several years no christmas presents or birthday presents for her and is currently $4200.00 in arrears. And in BC it doesn't work, they can't, don't won't enforce the order, and I have never stopped him from seeing her, but rather begged him to be a part of her life. Through perserverence and great sacrifice, she has grown up to be an honor roll student, with many awards for sports under her belt and is currently planning her grad and applying for post secondary education, with scholarships under her belt. Thank god and it's mostly been her hard work and determination to be better than me and break the cycle and to want more for herself. On the other hand my second daughter who I share joint custody with her father, rotating weeks, Sunday to Sunday, is a nightmare. It is hard on her, and I fear that she will not come out of this unscathed. If maturity on both parts can be reached, and all anomosity let go of, it can work, but it is very difficult. And ground rules must be laid out at the beginning, and it is all to easy to change the rules once one has moved into a new relationship in order to keep the peace with the new situation. And again - who pays? You fight for what you believe in, and wanting the best for your children, but it seems no matter what province you live in, the good ones get hosed and the idiots (male or female) get away with it. There are many parents out there who are responsible, who do pay, who do take an active part in their child's life, and they seem to always get the shitty end of the stick. As well as those parents, who do the best they can no matter, what, always find a way, re-assure their children and help them to be positive healthy young adults, to make the right choices and not drop out of school, hang with the wrong crowd and to have self respect, while wishing the other parent would not only help out financially but emotionally as well, while never stopping the other parent from seeing their child or using the child as a pawn. (Sorry long sentence) It doesn't work. I have also been married with two children and had my now ex-husband's then ex - registered with FMEP for SPOUSAL support for two years at 250.00 per month with no children and had bank accounts frozen for a grown woman who was capable of working and supporting her self. So all sides of the fences over here in BC have no faith in any of the systems, and am sick of seeing the good guy/girl get hosed and the children pay the price. I also chooose not to be involved and not expose my daughters to a "revolving door" and different people all the time (not that I am like that anyway_but a single mom has a certain label to it) When and if I meet someone I will ensure that things are stable, right and appropriate before involving my children. I spent four and a half years holding onto a house that was our home, working two jobs one full time and one part time, plowing the back forty of a 1/4 acre lot, painting the house, maintaining the pool, cleaning the gutters, cleaning the chimney, collecting free firewood to heat the house with an airtight stove to save money, maintaining the yard, the mortgage of 1365 month, plus loan, plus two kids, and everything else, with no help from either father. It almost killed me, but before it did I made the brutal decision to break my promise to my daughters (that we would never move again) because it just wasn't worth it. I missed out with them those years, and grew too weary, stressed and without hope, and that wasn't worth it. So, in signing off, good luck to you all, there are resources out there, make yourself informed, stand up for yourselves, and your children, and don't let the years slip by you'll never have them back again.
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